'It's unfathomable': Jaqueline McDermott's mother says daughter died by suicide

Warning: This story includes discussion of suicide

It’s been more than a week since Jaqueline McDermott’s body was found, but her mother Nathalie St-Maurice said it never really “settles in.”

The 22-year-old had been the subject of an extensive search after being reported missing near Merritt B.C. on Oct. 1.

“We’ll never know. That’s the hardest part,” St-Maurice told CTV News at a memorial for her late daughter at a Vancouver skate park. “Yes, we found her body. Yes, we have closure because she’s not out there still lost and trying to be found, but we’ll never be able to answer the questions of exactly why or what was going through her head.”

MISSING THEN FOUND

The 22-year-old from Kitchener was reported missing in B.C. on Oct. 1. She was last seen in the community of Merritt.

RCMP said her vehicle was found broken down but she was not in it or near it. Her family said she left her hometown with the dream to travel Canada in her van earlier this year.

The search was extensive. It was not just RCMP and search and rescue teams involved, but also her parents and volunteers who did not know McDermott.

On Oct. 9, her body was found. RCMP said criminal activity was not involved in her death.

MOTHER SPEAKS OUT

St-Maurice said following McDermott’s death, there was a lot of speculation about how it happened. St-Maurice said she wanted to tell the public, not only to end speculation, but in the hopes that it could spark an important conversation about mental health.

“She died by suicide,” St-Maurice said. “And when you found out that she chose to do this herself – it’s unfathomable. Nobody knew. None of her friends.”

It wasn’t until after her death, when they went through McDermott’s journal, that they found her deep and darkest thoughts. Her mother said it painted a picture of a person they barely recognized.

“She was great at giving out the kindness, but for some reason she couldn’t accept that kindness back. It’s hard to do that actually, if you’re hurting, if you’re struggling,” St-Maurice said.

Her goal is to help other families and individuals who may be going through similar tough times.

“If you need someone to talk to you, talk to someone. Anyone. You have people in your life who care and who will move mountains to help you. Just ask. Let people surprise you by how much they love you and let them come and help you and just accept that love,” she said.

Memorial at Vancouver skate park for Jaqueline McDermott on Oct. 17, (CTV News/Shelley Moore)

REMEMBERING JAQUI MCDERMOTT

On Monday, more than a dozen people, including McDermott’s family, gathered at the skate park behind the Britannia Community Centre in Vancouver to remember her. Her name is spray painted in large letters in the park. Her mother said McDermott loved to skate there.

“She loved skateboarding and dedicated an unbelievable amount of hours to skateboarding,” St-Maurice said.

Graffiti for Jaqueline McDermott seen in Vancouver skate park on Oct. 17. (CTV News/Shelley Moore)

A similar memorial took place over the weekend at Waterloo Park’s skate park.

"She really liked meditation and trying to be zen and really was just a very spiritual person, and that's how I'm going to remember her," her uncle, Justin St-Maurice, said at the Waterloo memorial.

McDermott’s mother was in tears reflecting on some of her favourite moments with her daughter.

“She’s my firstborn child,” St- Maurice said. “There’s so many memories from when she was little. It’s hard to believe that there will be no new memories. No new photos.”

THE IMPACT MCDERMOTT LEAVES BEHIND

When the parents flew to Merritt, B.C. to help with the search, St-Maurice said there were strangers offering free accommodation and food.

St-Maurice said she’s still shocked by all the support. She said it warms her heart to see how her daughter touched the lives of so many.

“I think she wrote ‘I want to have an impact on one million people, spreading love and joy and peace,’” St-Maurice said. “And so for me, maybe this is what this is. Maybe just spreading her message and being like – look for the things that are beautiful and spread the joy and spread the peace. Let’s stop looking for the ugliness in this world and like Jaqui says – ‘look up.’”

LEGACY LIVES ON

The family is establishing two memorial bursaries in McDermott’s honour. One bursary will be for a graduate of Waterloo Region District School Board, where she went high school. Another will be for a graduate of the francophone board, Conseil Scolaire Viamonde, where she attended elementary school.

The family said there will not be a funeral, but there will be another memorial in Waterloo region in November.

St-Maurice said she was inspired by her daughter. She and her husband plan to take some time off work and travel across the country like McDermott did.

“My husband and I will scatter her ashes in some of the places that she loved,” St-Maurice said. “We plan to travel for a while and we’re just going to scatter her everywhere that we see that she would’ve loved.”

If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or mental health matters, please call Canada's Talk Suicide 1-833-456-4566. The following resources are also available to support people in crisis:

Hope for Wellness Helpline (English, French, Cree, Ojibway and Inuktitut): 1-855-242-3310

Embrace Life Council hotline: [phone]

Trans Lifeline: 1-877-330-6366

Kids Help Phone: [phone]